life, apparently

I was slightly offended when anyone (and everyone) said “We are soooooooo proud of you” when I graduated high school. Really? Are you? Did you think I couldn’t pull it off? High school was about as difficult as brushing my teeth and no one sent me a $100 check for that!

In grad school, I never had a day like this. I just didn’t. Certainly I had plenty of days when I felt stupid, stupid, stupid, confused, ignored, afraid, uncertain, underappreciated, exhausted, angry, and stupid (did I say that one already?) But I never contemplated dropping out. I had no back up plan. I wrote my dissertation and defended while pregnant and it was stressful for sure but not overwhelming. I never felt like I couldn’t do it.

So please tell me why I am unbelievably overwhelmed by even the smallest of tasks involving The Kid? Packing for an overnight trip brought tears this weekend. Almost every day I wonder how others are getting along so easily with their 4 kids when I can’t even get through breakfast with my 1 kid without feeling like it is simply not possible.

Feeling overwhelmed or frustrated with getting a PhD is perfectly acceptable, right? “Oh, isn’t it hard? Aren’t you sick of being in school?” everyone asks. If I’d have dropped out of grad school, I’d be in the majority (on average 60% drop out in my grad program) and everyone would understand.

But no one asks if being a parent is hard. Everyone says “Isn’t it just the greatest? Don’t you just love being a mom?”

Maybe I find motherhood difficult because it can’t be organized in folders, there is no simple To Do List to track progress, you can’t fiddle with the parameters and see what happens, the results are not obvious or immediate. I don’t really know. After 19 months, I haven’t figured out how to successfully navigate this sea.

OldFamousDude sent another email. WTF? I replied but my replies are starting to get a little snippy which is probably not a good career move. OFD, please leave me alone!

"A new environment makes all the difference in the world"

and the only reason I am looking forward to September and the beginning of the next job search

The Husband is out of town.

The Kid is sick.

This provides the perfect opportunity to wallow in the extreme difficulty I find in the transformation from Scientist to MamaScientist. For 18 months I’ve been trying to figure out how to figure this out. Tonight I plan to blog about it a bit and see if that brings any clarity.

I sit down. First, I check my email (it has after all been 6 hours since I last checked).

And there it is...da dunh dunh dunh...another email from OldFamousDude (OFD). OFD was a reviewer on MyVeryFavoriteManuscript (MVFM).

OFD is a very intense reviewer (I know this from experience) and wanted to replicate and better understand some technical parts of MVFM. Several weeks (maybe months?) ago during an 11:30 maybe-I-won-the-lottery-so-I-better-check-email-just-before-bed moment, I received my first email from OFD. I replied and he replied and I replied and he replied and I replied and he replied and I replied and he replied and I replied and he sent in the review. I received the reviews last week. OFD apparently kept on thinking and sent a postscript to his review.

Now this might be ok if OFD wasn’t so Old, wasn’t so Famous, and wasn’t half insane. Many (most?) of his comments are only marginally relevant or refer to technical details that I use but did not develop. I can and I will respond to his comments, revise and re-submit MVFM in the next 30 days and I will say wee wee wee all the way home whimper the entire time.

The Kid learned how to crawl out of his crib. We found out at 9pm when he suddenly appeared in our room. Apparently, he was not asleep in his room. We were reminded of his new found skill at 3am when he joined us in bed. The next day we promptly (made a video of it and then) converted the crib into a bed. That night (last night) he fell out of bed, woke up, came to the door and cried. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. At 1:00am The Husband turned into a human pillow. Asleep on the floor beside the bed, he caught The Kid each time he fell out and placed him back into bed. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I took over at 5. Today we put the mattress on the floor. Hopefully we’ll get a little sleep tonight. Its 9:30 and I’m going to bed.

The Kid fell at the park. He didn’t seem to notice. The Husband and I were sitting nearby and I immediately jumped up and ran over to The Kid. Later The Husband commented that I will soon suffer a heart attack if I do not calm down. “You saw the fall. The fall happened. It was beyond your control. Running to The Kid and worrying cannot change anything.”

I shouldn’t stress about things that I cannot change. I know this.

I will be on the job market this fall. I’ve been worrying about it since Feb. Probably a little earlier.

I didn’t sleep for a week after The Kid was born. I was too busy thinking about the labor, the future, and the fact that I hadn’t yet slept.

I’m waiting for reviews on a paper that will arrive by email. I know this. I still check the journal’s website daily (at least). Maybe I’ll catch it seconds before the email arrives.

I shouldn’t stress about things that I cannot change. I know this and I will try.

I've been planning to start a blog for a few weeks now but the whole first impression thing was making me a bit psychotic. Day and night I wondered...What should I call my new blog? What catchy title should I give my first post? What smart yet witty things should I talk about in my first post? Well, today in a fit of procrastination I decided I just don't care to think about it anymore. So here it is - my first post. Nice to meet you.