life, apparently

I finally received a new (to me) filing cabinet. I've been waiting quite some time and was anxious to finish unpacking. I tried opening all the drawers to organize the remaining boxes that had been sitting on my office floor for entirely too long. Some of the drawers would open, some would not. Repeat for 30 minutes. I kept trying to figure out exactly which drawers did and did not open because it seemed to be a random selection each time I unlocked the cabinet. Locking and unlocking (maybe one didn't "catch" the lock mechanism or something like that I thought) them. Pulling and tugging to try to get them to open. Poking the metal lock bar (or whatever) that appeared to be the problem. I received a 5 inch scratch. And another 2 inch scratch. I yelled silently. I whispered threats and ultimatums to the filing cabinet. (I don't want my new colleagues to think I'm a complete nut, at least not yet!) I quit, extremely frustrated and sent a note asking for a new filing cabinet. Then after a break, I decided to try again -- I really wanted to finish unpacking! Repeat swearing, tugging, and turning the lock for another 15 minutes when an innocent person walked in to tell me something (not related to filing cabinets). Seeing the desperate and forlorn look on my face, he asked what was wrong. He turned the key and opened each drawer in turn explaining that it is a safety precaution that only one open at a time. Guess I haven't had a new filing cabinet in quite some time. Models from the 1960s don't have that feature.


We have a snow blower purchased for an incredibly good price before we moved from IsolationU. We recently purchased gas to put in the snow blower despite it being August because (apparently) they must contain all relevant liquid products or things stick or gum up or some such problem. (Liquids were emptied before we moved per moving company guidelines.) TheHusband filled up his much-loved-snow blower with oil and gas and then tried to start it. It didn't start. Repeat approximately 55 times. He quit, came into the house and spent lots of time looking on the web for solutions. The next day he tried to start it again. It didn't start. Repeat about 15 times. He quit, came into the house and called the manufacturer. They told him of qualified service people in the area. He called service people, who told him that it was "Lawnmower Season" and they don't look at snow blowers during Lawnmower Season (obviously!) They said to call back in the middle of Sept (apparently that is when SnowBlower Season begins, mark your calendars.) Yesterday he tried again. Once. It started. I asked what he did, and he indicated that he noticed a small problem. Clearly trying to distract me by talking about flowers and grass and dinner plans, I became even more interested and asked repeatedly until he answered. He didn't put the key in the ignition the first two days. The snow blower works just fine, as long as you put in the key.

Which is dumb and which is dumber? I don't know, you decide.

Labels: Thursday Confessions

My father's birthday was last week and I didn't acknowledge it.

Here's the story. My parents were married very young (age 15 & 18) and purposefully had children two years after they were married. [My mom's 30th birthday was quite a production and I remember every detail because I was in high school. Isn't that crazy? I turned 30 a year after my son's birth and almost no one noticed.] They divorced when I was 5 and my mom left custody to my dad because he had a reliable job (she had never had a job) and a house (which I assume she didn't think or want to fight for in court). She still feels guilty about this decision. My father was abusive. My mother didn't know or didn't recognize his behavior as abuse (which is not surprising given her own father, after all my sister and I never required medical care unlike her and her sisters). My father was (and still is as far as I know) an alcoholic and drug addict and dealer. It is not the physical abuse that haunts me. I without any question received the vast majority of abuse (in fact, I'm not so sure my sister would claim to have been abused herself) but I always viewed it as 1) protecting my sister and step-sisters and 2) as his problem - I had a keen awareness that I (all of us really) were quite good children and that he must be so angry for reasons unrelated to us. What haunts me is the abandonment. In 6th grade I ran away (all the way across the street) and decided that I wanted to move it with my mother (who was just about to get remarried and had what appeared to be a stable life finally). As it turns out I ran away on Father's Day and my father told me that day that if I left, he'd never speak to me again. He also demanded a reason. I told him it was the drug abuse and he denied using drugs. So I told him it was because I didn't like my step-mom (which was actually true but not reason enough to move out). He did speak to me again. My sister moved with me but not because she wanted to, really, but because she didn't want to be alone (she was always a daddy's girl). We did the every-other-weekend thing for a while but soon after the move I was banned from returning because I was too mouthy. They went on vacation without me, celebrated holidays, etc. I can't exactly remember how long my sister continued visitation but I think it was pretty much until she had her first serious high school sweetheart and decided that weekends were for boyfriends instead of dads.

My dad had a sort of interesting approach to keeping in contact with me after the move. He sometimes sent birthday and Christmas cards and/or gifts. He sometimes didn't. He sometimes sent these for my sister (her birthday is less than a month after mine) but not me. I can't tell you how many holidays ended with a good long cry wondering why I wasn't important enough for my own father to remember.

Before my wedding (almost 5 years ago) I spent many sleepless nights wondering what I'd do if my father failed to show up at my wedding. I decided not to invite him and I sent him a letter (a year in advance) informing him why and telling him that he had a choice. He could continue his behavior as is or he could chose to perform the bare minimum duties of fatherhood and contact me on holidays and even (gasp!) on an occasional non-holiday. We talked on the phone after I sent him the letter and I could tell that he was upset about it. He apologized and explained that this was how he thought a father should behave, it was what his father taught him. His philosophy was that he sent me into he world prepared for anything and I would contact him if I needed anything. (In fact, he was always eager to respond to a request for anything (usually money) a fact my sister took full advantage of. I do have this semi-bizarre sense that my father would do anything I asked of him except just being a father and or a grandfather.) His behavior did not change and I did not invite him to my wedding.

That was really a life changing event for me. I (for the most part) lost my guilt over not being the perfect daughter and lost some sense of embarrassment/shame/? that I wasn't good enough for my own father to love (though not all of it). Until my son was born. Then I felt some obligation to try to allow him to be a grandfather. I sent pictures and notes. He sent cards and money the first year. Nothing the second year and then this year he sent via overnight mail so it arrived in time, a birthday card, note, temporary tatoos, and money. And a Christmas card and money. I never responded. I thought about it but I don't want to play games anymore. I told him pre-wedding that he has to be in or out of my life I can't take anything in the middle. So Christmas passed with no card or call and his birthday passed with a twinge of guilt but no card or call. I worry that when he dies I will not recover from a surge of guilt, shame, sadness, etc. but I push that away for now and focus on ensuring that my son knows that I love him endlessly with no reservations (despite the fact that he is of the .05% of toddlers who clearly and unquestionably prefer their father to their mother for any and every event in life*).

*no I'm not bitter or jealous, why do you ask?

Labels: Thursday Confessions

TheKid and I are flying to visit FriendWithKids (said kids and husband) and FriendWithRestlessLeg. I am bring (lots of) chocolate for the purposes of bribery. Because I'm a good parent like that.

We return Tuesday but I will literally walk out of the gate, exchange 1 suitcase and 1 child for a computer and a new bag, and return through security to catch another flight. I'm going to GradSchoolTown to accept an award. I feel sort of greedy(or something), I received my PhD years ago and I'm still winning awards. I sort of feel like it is someone else's turn for glory (not that it is exactly glorious but whatever). But how can I complain? I am eternally grateful for the insane level of support I receive from BestAdvisorEver. He is THE BAE!

Expect light blogging ahead (not that there has ever been heavy blogging around here in any sense of the word).

Labels: Thursday Confessions

I pulled out right in front of someone yesterday and then (because I am a brilliant driver, I tell ya) I just sat there assuming that the car would drive around me. Of course the driver wasn't looking at me, she was looking off to the side of the road. For reasons completely beyond my comprehension, this did not freak me out at all. My heart did not flutter, my blood pressure did not increase. The other drive looked up and I mouthed "sorry" and she mouthed "what are you doing?" which of course made me think "I haven't the slightest clue lady, oopsy" This was perhaps the most bizarre/dangerous driving incident of my life.

Labels: Thursday Confessions

update: I just realized that today is Thursday, appropriate huh? You see I just needed some material for my blog, I'm not actually a bad parent.

TheKid ate breakfast as he watched Caddyshack while I attempted to nap on the couch this morning. Remind me why we left that other day care again?

But you see, this was a case of life or death. I didn't sleep well last night. I should have. I went to be at 8pm. Of course TheHusband called me at 9:30 (Conversation: me: hello TH: are you asleep? me: I was TH:oh, sorry, bye me: bye) and I stayed up until the am hours. Then TheKid came into our room somewhere around 4am and proceeded to adorn himself as if he were a necklace around my neck. This does not make for good sleep, or the ability to take full breaths. I woke up TheHusband who looked over at us and laughed then went back to sleep. I guess he thought I just wanted to share the humor of having a human necklace.

So you see when I woke up to TheKid yelling "me wanna watch da goff" at 7:20 am and TheHusband desparately trying to figure out what exactly this "da goff" is then realizing that it was Caddyshack (a consequence of my many trips out of town this year, no doubt, as I haven't watched Caddyshack in at least 2 years) only to then figure out (even though I told him weeks ago) that the DVD player in the bedroom doesn't work, well I decided to accompany TheKid downstairs, put Caddyshack on, grab him a bowl of cereal and fall on to the couch so as to not kill them both.

Labels: parenting awards, Thursday Confessions

a double dose.

1. I had a martini (or 2) everynight this week except yesterday. I'm still celebrating!

2. I still use Pine for email. Opening attachments is tons of fun! I can't make myself use webmail, I just don't like it.

Labels: Thursday Confessions

We've got Moron Mondays, WTF Tuesdays , and Wednesday Whining. No Complaining Thursdays are debunk now that Betty's gone so I'm starting Thursday Confessions:

Today I discovered the Anna Nicole Smith trial on CourtTV and I am addicted. This shit is crazy. I'm not usually such a voyeur, honestly but I've never seen anything like this in my life. Even the judge is a wacko.

Anything you'd like to confess?

Labels: Thursday Confessions