life, apparently

I'm drinking a chocolate martini and eating kettle korn (I know strange combo) while I attempt to select the path to happiness. You see I now have the misfortune of receiving 3 job offers (yes THREE!!!) and two of them showed up in my inbox within 10 minutes of one another. What a crazy 10 minutes! More later. For now, cheers!

Labels: job search

We've got Moron Mondays, WTF Tuesdays , and Wednesday Whining. No Complaining Thursdays are debunk now that Betty's gone so I'm starting Thursday Confessions:

Today I discovered the Anna Nicole Smith trial on CourtTV and I am addicted. This shit is crazy. I'm not usually such a voyeur, honestly but I've never seen anything like this in my life. Even the judge is a wacko.

Anything you'd like to confess?

Labels: Thursday Confessions

That's my other problem - I am the biggest exaggerator ever! (see what I mean) When I tell stories, teach, or just have a conversation I tend to speak in extremes. When I give standard talks, I do not exaggerate, I just tell the facts. However a job talk is a different beast - it is very general, glossing over the details that make up my days. Part of the goal is to appeal to an incredibly diverse audience and get them excited about your work. My area is very technical relative to the other areas in my department, so I have to present a sort of cartoon version of what I do. This puts me in story-telling mode and I exaggerate. The title - I actually said that in my most recent job talk and I suddenly realized that maybe my style, while obviously very clear to everyone in the audience (and I know this from the questions, etc) may encourage people to think that I am not fully versed in the literature. They may think that I really believe the extremes to be The Truth and I'm not aware of all the minutia because I do not appropriately hedge. That of course is false, I exaggerate to make my point very clear given the composition of the audience. Anyway, it is all over now and I.just.don't.care.anymore.

Dear apparently,
I write to let you know that we remain enthusiastic about your
candidancy in our department. I hope to be able to pursue some
definitive hiring conversations with you next week. At the moment we are
still on hold.
Best wishes,
Chair

This is from interview #4. They offered the job to someone else after an "excruciatingly close" vote but said that they would offer the job to me should the other candidate decline or try to get a second line from the dean for me should the other candidate accept. I've received a few emails asking me to please not make any decision without consulting them and promising information ("one way or the other") "in the next few weeks." Weeks have come and gone. I have no idea what this most recent email means. I think it sounds promising but so have the many other emails I've received (admittedly not as positive as this one), so we shall see. How do I respond to this? I feel like saying:
Dear Chair
Thanks (I think)?
apparently
but somehow that doesn't quite seem appropriate.

In the meantime, I've received an invitation to interview at AcrossThePondUniversity. The interview structure is so very different than what I am used to. It is not so much an invitation as a statement of fact: I have booked a room for you at XX hotel for XX dates. Your interview is in room XX at XX building at XX pm. I guess I now estimate my chances of being jobless next year at a mere 70%.

Oh and did I mention that I've been officially rejected by BestJobEver? They sent a very gracious letter indicating that the decision was based on content area. They are very strong in my area (hence, the BestJobEver) and decided "after much anguish" to add strength to a new content area rather than my area. Boo hoo. On a positive note, I've been rejected so many times that I barely noticed this one, otherwise I might have been crushed.

Labels: job search, whining

Posted Wednesday on Wednesday Whining from NortheastAirport:

Whine: Went to airport at 4am with wet hair (hotel hair dryer was broke). Waited outside in an ice storm (or what I thought at the moment to be an ice storm but what turned out to be only the slightest beginning of THE ICE STORM) for an hour. Finally I'm next in line -- wait -- airport is closed. Somehow convinced them to check me in despite orders to "close" ticketing.

teeny-tiny anti-whine: no line for security and relatively fresh food.

Back to the whine: Waited until 1pm with virtually no information about status of flight (other than delayed - duh!).

teeny-tine anti-whine: at least I didn't wait on the plane like several others.

Back to the whine: Finally decided to book flight for tomorrow despite no official cancellation of flights to Hometown. Booked with a connection in DC (uh oh) as all 5 direct flights were already booked. Waited outside in THE ICE STORM for 30 mins to take a 5 min shuttle to hotel. Waited in hotel lobby for another hour for a clean room.

anti-whine: I have a hotel room! A nice hotel room! with a free bag of microwave popcorn!

to-be-determined whine: I just checked in for tomorrow's flight so I will not have to wait in ticketing line (in theory) again. At least not until that flight is indefinitely delayed (seriously that is what the official declaration was - not cancelled but indefinitley delayed - WTF?)
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When I woke up Thursday, I found out flight to DC was delayed which would void any possibility of making a connection to Hometown flight. So, I went immediately to the airport because calling US (wait, this is a blog I should use a pseudonym) SuckyAirways is completely useless (if you do not get a busy signal (probability of which is 15%), then you are automatically disconnected). I went back to see my friends the gate agents and rebooked on a flight through the CityofNotherlyLove (all 6 direct flights were booked or cancelled). Flight was delayed and we waited on the tarmac for close to 90 minutes. Connection was delayed even longer but I eventually made it home. Total number of different reservations I had in less than 24 hours: 5. Total number of hours spent in the airport: 17. Total number of hours in flight: less than 2

Overheard/overseen at the airport:

• "There are 5 of us, so we can drive all night and make it there tomorrow night" - woman & friends who declared they would just drive from Northeast Airport to Florida for the race (I'm assuming this one). Perhaps she didn't realize that the reason we were all standing in line re-booking our flights was that there were several inches of ICE falling from the sky. Not exactly the best driving conditions.
  
• "hi. I'm scheduled to get married Friday and I'm wondering if I can reschedule for Monday or Tuesday?" - woman on a cell phone standing in airport with group of family, friends, and future-husband who were planning to fly to Cancun for her wedding.
• Woman in the seat next to me while we sat on the tarmac - sobbing on phone with her father's answering machine. Someone had died or was near death (I'm guessing the latter) and she wasn't sure if she'd make it to Florida to be with her father but was clearly putting on a brave face for him.
• Large group of students with disabilities running through the airport to board a plane bound for Ft Lauderdale only to sit on the tarmac for hours and attempt to take off twice. None of those passengers were too happy when they got off that plane (including woman determined to drive).
• State troopers on segways zooming through the airport. Honestly, the strangest thing I've ever seen. First, when did state troopers replace TSA? Second, where did they get the budget for segways?
• My sister booked a flight to visit us in March. Her seats are messed up and she is worried because she is flying with her 2 year old son (and she doesn't fly much). While I'm waiting to board my delayed flight she calls to complain that she has been calling SuckyAirways and Partner and was on hold forever with Partner but Sucky's line was always busy. I explain to her that perhaps the reason is that people like me are stranded in the Northeast. Perhaps her seating requests could wait a week or two. "Oh yeah I forgot about that" Wish I could have.

There are undoubtedly more stories I should tell. In my 9 hours at the airport Wed, I kept thinking "I need to remember that for my blog" but the following 8 hours apparently zapped those memories. Despite the craziness, I was particularly stress-free during the whole thing. I smiled at the craziness, laughed at the crazies, and had an excellent stay at the hotel (slept from 5-8:30pm and then 10:30-7!). I was quite relieved to be back home. I even complimented the SuckyAirways gate crew in NortheastAirport and I told him that is was not often that I am impressed by Sucky crew members so they shold take my compliment with the utmost of sincerity.

Labels: airports, ice storms, whining

We decided to declare all interviews/rejections/etc thus far as the PreSeason. I still have 2 interviews and that is the standard number (at least in my estimation). And, as TheHusband so often tells me, you WANT your team to lose during pre-season so you can see your own weaknesses and your opponents' strengths. In preparation for the official beginning of job season, I've thought about two more potential problems with my interview skills (or lack of). 1) When I'm around people I really admire (for their research) I tend to be meek and diminutive which is the exact opposite of my real personality. I smile, nod, and say "yes" to everything. I act like more of an undergrad than a postdoc. I don't know why I do this and my behavior quickly changes once I know the person. I'm not exactly sure how to change this or how it might negatively impact the outcome of my interview. I just plan to be aware of this and try to be my best self at all times during these interviews. 2) I've been thinking long term during the PreSeason. I am sick of moving. I am sick of living with white walls and cheap carpet. I want to have my own space. I want to make decisions that do include thinking "well, I'm going to move soon" Why might this hurt my interviewing? Because all departments have problems, that is just a fact. But when you think long term, even small problems seem big. I think "Oh my, could I really live with this problem for the REST of my ENTIRE LIFE?" And I'm sure this gives off a negative vibe. So, I've decided to think in terms of "starting my career" What great resources, collaborators, lab space, etc with which to begin my career! I don't have to stay forever. I will buy a house/apartment/condo or some space. I will paint it vibrant colors and fill it with furniture I love. So what if I have to sell it in a few years and move. Any department, any department at all, must be better than my "plans" if I don't get a job this year.

The score is 0-0, let the games begin!

Labels: job search

Recent google searches (quotation marks are part of the search) that landed on my blog:

Sounds like I have a pretty exciting life...

• what jobs require diapers
• baby stealing coyotes
• poopies
• escape from the hospital
• how long does it take jello shots to set

Or not so exciting...

• a life of rejection
• academic "job talk" [I so love the quotation marks here]
  
• what would you do if
• why life is so annoying
• "I need a cookie"
  

In addition to the rejections that fill my inbox and pain our hearts, the apparently family is also home to a variety of physical pains. TheKid vomitted on me Monday just after I had read one such email. He now has some crazy cough/congestion that keeps him up at night. Tuesday night, he was up with TheHusband from midnight until about 3:30. Last night, he was up with me from about 3-5:30. TheHusband suffers only from exhaustion from being up all night with TheKid or worrying about the future. Unlike me, he can't decide to sleep all day while boycotting all things academic. As for me, well I tried to post a video but I guess I don't know how. In the video, TheKid tells you "mama got da boo-boo on her buuutttt!"

Why? That is the question - how is it possible to have so many interviews and no offers? What did I do wrong? That is a tough question and I've been thinking about it endlessly. (I guess that probably goes without saying.) I think the problem is that I had too many interviews. I know this may sound crazy. I know that if I were reading and I had no interviews or 2 interviews (which seems to the average in my field as far as I can tell) then I'd probably be thinking "I'd like to break apparently's neck, too many interviews, come on!" I get that. So if that is you then I apologize in advance, but let me explain.

Also let me tell you that I'm not in a field where there are no jobs (again this may be obvious) and it is commonplace to adjunct or hold on for a few years until a job comes along (I'm not in the humanities). I never considered that I might not get a job. I mean, I do tend to be a bit of a worrier so I hypothetically worried about it, but not really.

Ok now back to the issue: I had too many interviews. First let's consider the deciders. Why should they care how many interviews I have and why oh why do they ask? Well, I don't know why they ask but they do. Usually I say that I've had a few others. Then sometimes they push and push and ask where and how many, etc. I suppose I could lie, but I'm not a liar. Most often, though, they found out during the invite. Either I didn't return their initial email for a day or two because I was out of town at another interview, or setting up a time to visit was nearly impossible (because everyone wants to schedule at the same exact time). Now why do they care? Well again I've never been on that side of the fence, so I don't know but I do know that a few people explicitly said that part of the reason they didn't hire me is that they didn't think I'd accept the job. What? Well some of them just have an inferiority complex - I know that a few schools called mutual friends or acquaintances and asked if I'd really take a job there. I'm guessing that some people might look at my training (grad school and post doc where at the premier departments in my field), people thought I'd want to have a high power job at a prestigious place. Now maybe I would - I don't actually know. What is most important to me is the atmosphere in the dept, not its ranking or perceived ranking, so if the atmosphere is great then I'd be happy at a top school but if it is not so good then I would not be happy at a top school. But the fact is that it doesn't actually matter where I think I might want a job because that is not how the market works. I don't get to select where I have a job. I apply to jobs that advertise and they choose me (or not, apparently). The point here is that no only do we as academics suffer from imposter syndrome, but departments at large also do -- well she'll never accept a job here, we aren't good enough, certainly she'll have better offers. And that is beyond frustrating.

Now consider me - what impact did having so many interviews have on my game? Well, I was definitely, unquestionably confident. Confidence can be dangerous because it allows us to ask questions we might not otherwise ask ("What is the atmosphere for women and especially women with children?"), make evaluative comments ("Your teaching load is 2-2 with no TA support, really? Wow, that is very high for a department producing such a high quantity and quality of research" - I might point out that this is in fact the truth but maybe it sounds insulting or negative?) rather than just smiling and saying "oh that sounds great" I suppose confidence is intimidating? I don't know. Having so many job talks also completely exhausted me. I mean completely. So maybe I looked tired (interpreted as bored? unpleasant? stupid? unengaged?)? I didn't spy on everyone in the department and pretend that I was a huge fan of their research and couldn't wait to collaborate with them. I know some people do that and others who don't -- maybe I would have if I wasn't so busy traveling and interviewing.

Maybe people were really expecting me to be some kind of genius and when it turned out that I was actually just average, they were disappointed. That actually sounds a bit crazy now that I wrote it down, so I don't know. I can't imagine people thinking I'm a genius but then again I can't imagine people thinking I wouldn't accept a position in what is a good department.

Maybe I just have fierce competition - this is true actually but I can't believe I'm at the bottom of the barrel. I know that a few departments tried to get a second line from the dean to hire me (one dept is allegedly still trying). Another one or two sent a very detailed and heartfelt "thank you" stating that the vote was "excruciatingly close." I know that my area of research is not sexy at the moment (it was sexy in the 1960s and I'm sure it will be again but not now) but they knew that when they invited me for an interview, right?

Oh and I'm not a showgirl. I tend to be rather honest (some might say that is an understatement). On the other hand, what you see is what you get. I don't pretend I want to help people (I do basic research and I don't apologize for that). I don't pretend that I love everyone and everything - I'm just realistic. It is not ok that your department is spread across 3 buildings. That is less than optimal and I want to know what you plan to do about it. But I haven't punched anyone or went on a tirade or anything worthy of story-telling. My job talk is very clear, I get lots of intelligent questions from the entire spectrum of the audience (students, people outside my area, people in my area). So how on earth is it possible that I may not have a job next year -- I just don't know.

PS, I realize I'm rambling and ranting and I apologize, I just need to get these thoughts out of my head and onto (virtual) paper.

I've always been pretty good at the whole academic thing. I've never been The Best but I've always been good. I wasn't the valedictorian. I didn't get departmental honors. But I did get (smallish) scholarships, people (faculty in my undergrad dept) knew who I was and that I was someone to watch. In grad school I really hit my stride. By pure luck I ended up working with an extremely famous person who was TheBestAdvisorEver and it worked for me. Can't actually compare me to the others in my grad school class because they all dropped out. I suppose it is fair to compare me to the other grad students in the lab that I overlapped with. If we are just counting pubs then I'm by far the best. On more subjective measures, half of those dudes are just smarter, more dedicated, more savvy, more technically skilled, more politically skilled, etc than me and half aren't. I graduated with several high quality, first author papers, several awards and was on my way.

I had several postdocs to chose from. I tend to be extremely indecisive for some reason and I simply could not pick one. Then I found out I was pregnant, which was a bit of a shocker, so I went with the postdoc closest to my family. Shhh, don't tell anyone. As it turns out that also happens to be a postdoc in the most famous lab by far, so no one really had any reason to question my decision - on paper it was clearly the best choice. Little did I know* it was a terrible choice. This postdoc has been pretty shitty. I actually shouldn't complain, I'm sure many people would love to have this gig, but it was definitely not what I was looking for and I've been nothing but miserable. My postdoc advisor and I never really clicked. He has a very different style than BAE and I'm just not suited for this environment. We are not collaborators. I very much report what I have done on a strictly scheduled basis and he arranges for me to be paid. I've been extremely lonely here personally and professionally. (With the exception of the fact that I have the best husband and kid ever, so in that arena this has been by far the happiest few years of my life.) I could elaborate and maybe I will later but not now. Despite my misery (or maybe because of my misery), I had an insanely productive year this year including 2 papers in special issue in my field (too lazy to find links to previously blogged posts). I was told repeatedly by both BAE, postdoc mentor, and everyone else that I had an outstanding CV and I'd have no problem getting a job. And for the first several months, they seemed to be right. I had a billion phone interviews. I have double digit on campus interviews. Double digits. This is un.heard of. I was on top of the world. On. top. of. the. world. I couldn't believe it (again too lazy to find links). I actually thought (and still do) that I was probably an EEO candidate at some places - not too many women in my field and close to none in my specialty. But still, double digits. So I've been gone a lot. I've literally traveled across the entire country. And I've cried all night. Why? Well, I'm 85% sure I will not have a job next year.

update: I forgot to follow-up on the *, so here it is: *It was a snow day so as all good parents do, we dropped TheKid off at daycare and went to a movie. We saw Stranger than Fiction which I really liked, TheHusband wished it was funnier. After he hears "Little did he know this would lead to his eminent death," the main character spends some time trying to figure out if he is part of a tragedy or comedy. I too am trying to figure out if this part of my life is a comedy or a tragedy. I'll let you know.