life, apparently

TheKid and I are flying to visit FriendWithKids (said kids and husband) and FriendWithRestlessLeg. I am bring (lots of) chocolate for the purposes of bribery. Because I'm a good parent like that.

We return Tuesday but I will literally walk out of the gate, exchange 1 suitcase and 1 child for a computer and a new bag, and return through security to catch another flight. I'm going to GradSchoolTown to accept an award. I feel sort of greedy(or something), I received my PhD years ago and I'm still winning awards. I sort of feel like it is someone else's turn for glory (not that it is exactly glorious but whatever). But how can I complain? I am eternally grateful for the insane level of support I receive from BestAdvisorEver. He is THE BAE!

Expect light blogging ahead (not that there has ever been heavy blogging around here in any sense of the word).

Labels: Thursday Confessions

first, how can you be so incredibly f*d up at 9 am? second, do ya really think it is a good idea to come to work f*d up? your job involves climbing up tall ladders and standing on sloped surfaces. I wouldn't do it sober, I'm just sayin.

love and sobriety,
apparently

ps - my entire first aid kit includes a blood pressure monitor, elmo band aids, and malox leftover from my pregnancy, so please don't fall. thanks!

Labels: letters

Chocolate Martini

4 oz vodka
3 oz chocolate liqueur
2 oz coffee liqueur
splash of cream

shake with ice, strain, pour, drink

(we used these but I'm sure there must be equally good and less label-happy brands)

Labels: Mondays are for Martinis

What a season, huh? Double digit job talks. Enough rejections in one week to cause consecutive days of crying. Multiple offers in the following 2 weeks. I believe I'm just now moving past the exhaustion and mindfuck that is the academic job search. Here is the first in a series of posts about the whole process.

Let us start with rejections. Despite my sizeable experience with the topic, I really have no advice for job seekers. Everyone and their brother will tell you not to take it personally. Of course that is impossible. IM-POSS-I-BLE! I have zero advice on how to maintain sanity during rejection-o-rama. If that is the goal, I failed miserably. I do, however, have advice for the department chair, search committee head, or other contact person to make the whole process less repulsive.

Be respectful and forthright. Do not send mixed messages. For example, this is not OK: I received this query from #1 "The department has met and we are near a decision. I'm writing to find out if you are still available to consider a position here?" I replied. I was expecting an offer, why else would you ask? I told people about this and everyone agreed that indeed I would receive an offer shortly. A week or two later I received another email claiming that they were still gathering paperwork. Six weeks passed and I received a rejection. (In the interim I figured out that I was most likely not getting an offer given the timeline.) The process was misleading and just plain rude.

Let me know when you've offered someone else a position, even if you want to keep me hanging on in case they decline. If the offer comes my way and I end up accepting, I'll eventually find out that I was the 2nd (or 3rd) choice, so tell me now and let me get over it before I'm on the tenure clock. Some departments are upfront about each step of the process and I cannot express how thankful I am for that. It is calming to know where you stand, even if the news is not pleasant. And calm might be as good as it gets during the search. Others (see above) play these ridiculous games and others say absolutely nothing at all. The fact is that your reputation as a department and as a person is on the line here and reputation is everything in academia. People talk. Even without words I can convey enough to make others shudder at the thought of you(r department).

When you send the final rejection, please tell me who you hired. I'm going to find out anyway and it often makes the rejection less painful. In some cases I looked up the CV of the person who was hired (of course) and thought that the department hired the right person (which obviously was not me). I was actually happy to be rejected and happy for both the department and the newly hired person because it was right. It gave me hope that the (hypothetical) world can be perfect (on paper). If this person can get their perfect job then I can get my perfect job. In the midst of rejection we all need hope. (Of course other times, I thought geez what a bunch of idiots I can't believe you hired person B. I don't want to work with such a bunch of fools anyway! But honestly the vast majority of my responses fell into the former category.)

I don't think any of these suggestions are unreasonable. The glut of PhDs, the insanely long duration of the entire search process and the votes based on the elusive "fit" make the job search painful enough (even for those of us who are relatively successful). Clear, honest and respectful communication between the chair and the candidate does wonders to subdue the agony.

Labels: job search

Dear People of South Carolina,

WTF is wrong with you? Call your representatives, this is 2007 not 1947. Rep. Greg Delleney wins for most asinine quote. http://expectantwaiting.blogspot.com/2007/03/dont-worry-ladies-your-credits-will.html

I cannot tell you how angry this makes me.

love,
apparently

Thanks Casey for the details - I was completely unaware (I heard about the debate and thought it was ludicrous but this brings it to a whole new dimension.)

Labels: letters

The Sister and The Nephew visited last week (my excuse for not posting) and it was interesting. Yes, interesting it was. The Nephew is 6 weeks younger than The Kid which is to say that they will be forever considered the same age as soon as I'm allowed to count by years rather than months and weeks. (Am I the only one who hates that convention? I didn't mind counting weeks for maybe the first 12-16 weeks and I didn't mind counting months for the first 9-12 months but come on. He is a little bit over 2, why is that not a sufficient answer? Why do I have first remember his birthday and second remember the current month so that I can third count on my fingers the number of months since he turned 2? Why?) But I digress. Age is the only thing The Kid and The Nephew have in common.

The Kid is loud and rambunctious. His favorite activities are throwing a ball and playing baseball (sometimes completely imaginary baseball but more often we play by hitting a balloon with a wiffle ball bat and running around the "bases" in the house. Yes, I realize this is perhaps not the most appropriate indoor game but I hope it will move to a strictly outdoor game with the spring weather.) The Kid likes to be on the go - if we stay home for two consecutive days he becomes a monster. The Kid is very verbal, as in please stop talking already my ears hurt.

The Nephew is quiet and mellow. His favorite activities are reading books and playing with a computer. The Nephew is sensitive to high stimulus environments. He likes calm, quiet places with few people. The Nephew is not particularly verbal - he uses few words (and definitely no sentences). He prefers the company of adults. He is not particularly fond of other toddlers who attempt to play catch all day while yelling "Catch da ball Cousin" at the top of his lungs and throwing balls at him.

This presented quite a challenge for us. We went to gymnastics and The Nephew HATED it, he cried the entire time and kept saying "bye bye" as in let's get the f**k out of here puhlease. We went to Chuck E Cheese. The only redeeming quality of CEC is that they have pizza and so The Nephew was happy for about 45 minutes while he ate. The Kid spent most days taking toys away from The Nephew or tackling him (sometimes baseball includes tacking, no?) followed by "NO" responses from the grown ups. The Nephew spent most days upset and avoiding The Kid. (The Nephew was also sick so that of course added to his misery.)

TheSister is pregnant (2ish months). At some point we heard a commercial that said "Are you pregnant and scared about your future?" to which she responded "YES!" Two kids are exhausting, especially when they are exact opposites. The day after they left I fell asleep at 7:30pm. The following day I took a 2 hour nap. I think I'm back to full speed now. Did I mention that next week The Kid and I are traveling to visit FriendWithKid who, you guessed it, has 2 kids - one a year older and one a year younger. Maybe I should take another nap.

Labels: parenting awards

I pulled out right in front of someone yesterday and then (because I am a brilliant driver, I tell ya) I just sat there assuming that the car would drive around me. Of course the driver wasn't looking at me, she was looking off to the side of the road. For reasons completely beyond my comprehension, this did not freak me out at all. My heart did not flutter, my blood pressure did not increase. The other drive looked up and I mouthed "sorry" and she mouthed "what are you doing?" which of course made me think "I haven't the slightest clue lady, oopsy" This was perhaps the most bizarre/dangerous driving incident of my life.

Labels: Thursday Confessions

Raspberry Lemontini

Ice
8 ounces lemon flavored vodka
4 ounces raspberry liqueur (recommended: Chambord)
1 lemon, very thinly sliced 8 raspberries (optional)
In a shaker combine ice, vodka and liqueur.
Strain into 4 sugar rimmed martini glasses.
Top with slice of lemon and 2 raspberries. Serve.

(my current favorite)

Labels: Mondays are for Martinis

The review is done. It is finally done!

This evening TheKid said to me "I a bear, I lickin' my penis"

Nice.

Today TheKid and TheHusband went to the zoo, so I could work on the review from hell (completely read! but review not written yet). The animals were very active.* They overheard another kid ask his mother why the bear was licking himself. I guess his mother was too busy laughing to respond and so the question remained. TheKid doesn't care the reason, he just wants to be a bear.


*Normally the bears are sleeping and so TheKid lays down on the blacktop at the zoo and pretends to sleep saying "I bear, I sleepin' mama."

Labels: parenting awards

Never EVER agree to review a paper longer than 150 pages, especially a technical paper. Will I ever finish this?

Labels: letters

update: I just realized that today is Thursday, appropriate huh? You see I just needed some material for my blog, I'm not actually a bad parent.

TheKid ate breakfast as he watched Caddyshack while I attempted to nap on the couch this morning. Remind me why we left that other day care again?

But you see, this was a case of life or death. I didn't sleep well last night. I should have. I went to be at 8pm. Of course TheHusband called me at 9:30 (Conversation: me: hello TH: are you asleep? me: I was TH:oh, sorry, bye me: bye) and I stayed up until the am hours. Then TheKid came into our room somewhere around 4am and proceeded to adorn himself as if he were a necklace around my neck. This does not make for good sleep, or the ability to take full breaths. I woke up TheHusband who looked over at us and laughed then went back to sleep. I guess he thought I just wanted to share the humor of having a human necklace.

So you see when I woke up to TheKid yelling "me wanna watch da goff" at 7:20 am and TheHusband desparately trying to figure out what exactly this "da goff" is then realizing that it was Caddyshack (a consequence of my many trips out of town this year, no doubt, as I haven't watched Caddyshack in at least 2 years) only to then figure out (even though I told him weeks ago) that the DVD player in the bedroom doesn't work, well I decided to accompany TheKid downstairs, put Caddyshack on, grab him a bowl of cereal and fall on to the couch so as to not kill them both.

Labels: parenting awards, Thursday Confessions

As you might imagine, I've been reading (actually, trying to read -- I can't find many relevant articles) about negotiating and I found a quote in this that I found shocking:
"According to Pinkley and Northcraft, only about 25 percent of job applicants attempt to negotiate. Women are often more reluctant to negotiate than men, and this disinclination accounts, in part, for continuing wage discrepancies between the sexes."

25%! that is insane! 25% in academia or in all professions? Sheesh people.

I asked for a raise at my first job at the produce store. I was 16 years old. I asked for summer money in grad school. I negotiated my postdoc salary, conference funding, and computer situation. I guess I've always been a negotiator. My postdoc advisor called me aggresssive (when I enforced our previously negotiated terms) which made me (REALLY) angry but also proud. He said he didn't want to give me more than other people just because I asked (and I thought, hmmm well someone should tell them to ask). Nobody is just going to hand you things. Money does not fall from the sky because you think you deserve it. Especially in academia.

Ok, back to negotiating!

(Note to people seeking advice: start with salary but don't forget teaching reduction & course assignments, summer salary, start up funds, moving expenses, grad student support, start date, child care, office refurbishment, lab space, etc.)

Labels: job search, negotiation

Today is the first day of our new school situation. TheKid goes to NewSchool 3 days and week and stays home 2 days a week. Unfortunately this means that I also have to stay home with him those 2 days. (Temporary. This is temporary I remind myself.) I am not patient, I am easily bored, and I am scared to death of staying home with my kid for 2 whole days in a row every week. This, my friends, will be very interesting.

Frequent readers (all 3 of you) know that we seem to attract crazy daycare situations. My sisters says it is the I live in - she called it the daycare outlaw state because they seem to have extremely lax regulation on child care centers. We began TVschool Jan 1 after GreatestBabysitterEver went off to college. We asked several questions when visiting TVschool and everything seemed quite nice (obviously). Here is what we learned in the 2 short months that TheKid attended TVschool:

They watch TV until everyone arrives (say 7-8am), then during breakfast (8-9:30ish), during lunch (11:00-12ish), then during snack (3-4). They nap from 12ish-3. So basically we were paying hundreds of dollars a month for TV and a nap. And, if that isn't bad enough (obviously there are 12 other sets of parents who don't seem to mind), they don't even watch what I consider to be age appropriate, educational TV. Instead they watched movies (others that I cannot link to because I don't know what they are) and Barney (no offense but I hate that purple dinosaur). I told the director that they amount of TV these kids watch is criminal. TheKid does like to watch TV but we do it rarely (like when I need a break or he is being a grouch). He often sat at the table with his back to the TV and they actively encouraged him to move chairs or turn around so he could see the TV. WTF? (Lesson: when you ask "how often do you watch TV?" and the director says "rarely" but there is a TV in every room, she is lying)

The "breakfast" served by the school consists of a handful of dry sugar cereal (Lesson: when you ask "what do you typically eat for breakfast?" and the director says "cereal" don't assume it is the same non-sugar-coated, whole grain, cereal you serve at home)

99% of the words spoke in that room took the form "NO [fill in child's name]!" Kids are mischevious. They do things you'd rather them not, things they know they shouldn't do, things that are mildly dangerous, etc. I know this. But yelling NO all day will not solve that (apparently TV does, eh?).

They don't read books everyday and rarely listen to music. I guess it interferes with their TV programs. (Lesson: don't assume that so-called-"schools" read everyday just because you see books)

etc.

Needless to say, we decided to leave the minute we walked in the door. For a while the plan was to quit after my job interview tour around the world and worry about finding daycare later. Somehow we TheHusband found a new daycare at another college (not mine) that had an open spot. The problem is that it is part-time and expensive. He is the youngest (by a year in some cases) which I think will be nice (he is learning things that he wouldn't normally learn at this age) but it is also a little scary (one of the things he is learning is to cut with scissors).

I hope this latest installment of the DayCareWoes is the last.

Labels: day care woes

a double dose.

1. I had a martini (or 2) everynight this week except yesterday. I'm still celebrating!

2. I still use Pine for email. Opening attachments is tons of fun! I can't make myself use webmail, I just don't like it.

Labels: Thursday Confessions